December

Since this month of December started, I’ve started to feel more sad. Instead of feeling happy for all the good memories I had this year, I keep thinking of things that didn’t go according to the plan. Things that I deeply desired. Wishes that didn’t come true. It feels like each day is passing by so fast that I am just not doing enough. I feel more anxious about the future. I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know what to do next.

I am just trying to go with the flow. I am just waiting for something to happen to me. Something magical. Something that takes away this feeling of unfulfillment in my life. For many months, I kept doing countless things and hoped for something beautiful to happen to me but it never did. Now I wonder if maybe I need to stop. Take a pause. Take a break. Maybe I need to stop trying so much. But it is not helping me either. It makes me feel more worse. When I am doing multiple things, it makes me feel that it may count for something. Maybe I am not wasting my time. But the truth is I’ve tried so many things this year. I don’t have any energy to do more.

Sometimes I just want to enjoy this month carefree. The last month of 2023. I feel like forgetting every worrisome thing this month. I feel like using this time for me. For self-reflection. For reading. For a cozy night indoor. For listening to music. For having deep conversations with new people. For writing. For long slow walks in the evening. For photography. For dancing alone in my room. For creating small art for me. I just feel like existing in the now. Sometimes I feel like giving this much permission to myself to exist in the moment. I wonder if I have in me to be this kind to myself? Can I allow myself to be at peace for a little while?

“Please do it Sam. Please stop tormenting your soul. Please take a breathe. Stop being hard on yourself.” Deep down I hear this voice whispering to me sometimes. But sadly, I am unable to act on it.